Terri's Blog

I'm sorry to say that I didn't discipline myself to continue adding to the blog each week after my breast cancer. Even though physically I felt great after both the mastectomy and again after the reconstructive surgery, I didn't have the desire to be creative. I wasn't tired or drained mentally either, I just didn't have the thought processes to do anything beyond what had to be done. Once I was ready to write and try to be creative, I had no time. I jumped right back into work with both feet and have only just got my second wind here at the end of October. Being off work for most of the spring and summer left me with some hefty debt and I've been struggling to get caught up on all of that. But, now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to begin writing again.

I mentioned on my facebook page the other day that I had two of the best sisters-in-law that a girl could have and a friend of mine called me on the fact that I didn't say anthing about my brothers. There was a reason for that. My brothers were great during my recovery from breast cancer, too, but in my mind, they sort of have a responsibility to check on me and care about me. They are my brothers.

My sisters-in-law don't have the same responsibility, in my opinion. I know that just being married to my brothers should require that they care what happens to our family, but I think my sisters-in-laws go the extra mile and do more than what might be expected. And the reason for this is that they are both more than my sisters-in-law. They're also my friends. I once told both my brothers that if they ever did anything stupid and divorced them, they'd be out of the family and Alicia and Sally would stay.

Before my surgery, Alicia was there to talk to me about the process. She may not realize it, but just because she asked me about every step of what was about to happen, she made me feel that I wasn't alone in it all. I knew that if I needed someone close to talk to, I could go to her. She kept Dave informed, as well as many of our mutual friends. And even though she couldn't take off work and be with me during my recovery, she was there during my surgery and she called every day after to see how I was doing. She came and got me one Saturday so that I could have lunch with her, Dave and Zach.

Sally took off work and came with my mother to take care of me the week after surgery. She made sure that I took my medications on time. She helped measure and empty the icky drains, and she helped me with ointments and dressings. She even repotted some of my plants so they wouldn't die. She probably was one reason that I didn't think too much about myself during that first week. She shared things about the kids and work and what was going on with others. She made fun of me when I was a little confused after surgery because of the pain meds and she brought me chili from McAllisters when I was tired of hospital food.

I probably sound like a broken record, but I'm just so blessed. I've wondered if God didn't allow all this to happen to me because I needed to be reminded in a huge way just how blessed I am. Whether that's true or not, He certainly has turned it into something good. He couldn't have given me any better sisters or friends. And I am very thankful that my brothers had the good sense to see it too.

It's been several weeks since I posted anything to the blog and I hope you'll understand that I've been a bit busy with surgery and recovery. I have so many different things that I could share, but the most immediate is that on top of everything else, today I had to have a tooth extracted because it was broken and couldn't be saved. When I smile the huge hole that was left cannot be seen by anyone and yet, I had moments of feeling sorry for myself because of it. I think in those few moments I felt the lose of this tooth more than the lose of my cancerous breast. For some reason, that toothless-hole seemed much more cosmetically ugly; and it made me feel old. Teeth become brittle and softer with age don't they? No one in my family has had to have dentures or teeth pulled because of aging and I guess I don't want to be the only one. I'm not that old, but sometimes all these changes make me feel that way. I had my 50th birthday and it's as if my body is falling apart.

I did say that these feelings existed for only moments. After taking some pain medication, and no it wasn't from the medicated euphoria, I began thinking about my blessings instead. Today was such a sunny, beautiful day and so many more good things have happened to me over the previous weeks, that a tooth just didn't seem important at all. The small amount of pain will be gone by the weekend. I'll have a bridge inserted in a few weeks, and life will continue to go on. I'm going to look at everyday as an opportunity to learn something new, enjoy my family and friends, and live to serve my Lord. I know there will be other challenges, but just like these, God will bring me through them. As Beth Moore, my favorite Bible Study author says, if God delivers us from the fire, our faith will be built. If he delivers us through the fire, faith will be refined and if we're delivered by the fire into his arms, our faith is perfected. I am thankful that each day my faith is being refined.

I made it through the second MRI with the help of Valium and lots of prayer. I also met with the plastic surgeon this week. The surgeon and nurse explained everything I could possibly ever want to know about breast cancer surgery and reconstruction. I have such a better idea now of what will happen during the surgery and during the recovery. I don't want to minimize what others have experienced during this process, but I really think my experience is going to be a fairly routine and much easier thing than I first thought. My surgery is scheduled for March 3. I'll be in the hospital overnight and my mother and sister-in-law will come and stay with me for a couple of days.

"God placed Esther on the throne even before the Jews faced the possibility of complete destruction, so that when trouble came a person would already be in the position to help. No human effort could thwart God's plan to send the Messiah to earth as a Jew. If you are changing jobs, position, or location and can't see God's purpose, understand that God is in control. He may be placing you in a position so you can help when the need arises."

I read the above in the study footnotes of my Bible this week and have thought about it over and over. How awesome is it that God puts us right where we need to be so that he can use us for his work?

I'm meeting each week with a group of ladies from my church to study the book of Esther. The study was developed by Beth Moore and is titled Esther: It's Tough to be a Woman. One of the ladies asked me on our second meeting why I chose this particular study. I told her that my friend Kristen and I had three choices on our list and we basically picked it because it was the author's newest effort. That was before my diagnosis. Now, I'm thinking that even though Kristen and I didn't have a clear picture how this study might impact the women, God had every intention of us selecting it. I know that it means much more to me right now.

If you don't know the story of Esther, let me give you just a few highlights:
Orphaned Jewish girl becomes queen over all the other beautiful girls in an empire that once held her people captive. Plot to annihilate all her people is planned by man who hates all Jews. Cousin Mordecai urges her to save their people by speaking to the king even though it could mean her death just to address him. Esther plans and implements a request that not only saves her, but all her people, too.

God put Esther in a position that would allow her to save her people ensuring that the genealogy and family lineage of Jesus Christ would be in tact. God's plan! What more can I say? We are so privileged to be a part of it. I think that he's putting me in a position to do something and I'll bet if you stop to think about it, he may be doing the same thing in your life.

I know that I told some of you that I'd be having an MRI today and then I'd probably know more about the scheduling of my surgery, Well, I went for the MRI. I prepared for the MRI. I got all the way onto the equipment of the MRI, but I couldn't do it. During an MRI several years ago, I realized that I might be a bit claustrophobic in extreme situations. This test is definitely and extreme situation for me. I got through another MRI at that same time only with the aid of drugs. Today, I gave it my best effort, but I began to panic within the first minutes of entering the machine. I felt like I couldn't breathe or move and when the nurses gave me the option to wait for a prescription and a rescheduled date, I took it. I'll give it another try on Wednesday with drugs in hand. A very good friend, who went with me, helped me relax on the drive back. Once again, I'm blessed by the people willing to help.

As you can see, I started this blog almost a year ago. The learning curve that was involved in writing and publishing a blog wasn't too difficult, but I couldn't seem to find even the few minutes that it took to complete. But, now that life has taken a severe turn into something new, I feel compelled to begin again and really become committed to working at sharing my writing with friends and family. As many of you already know, I've recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I apologise to those friends and family who are just now hearing this, but it became difficult to tell everyone individually. I want people to know about what is occuring because I truly desire as many prayers as possible for my doctors and nurses and my surgery and recovery. And, those who've known me for many years know that I'm open about almost everything in my life because it has always helped me to talk about things. I'm a talker by nature; a storyteller, if you will.

Creating this blog seemed like such a good way to keep people informed, yet, I won't always talk about the cancer. The cancer, itself, is not what is most important right now. I know that God has given me this chance to learn some new things about myself and that his continuing plan for my life is being further implemented. I'll share the news about the cancer, but I hope that you'll continue to read the blog long afterwards because you enjoy what I have to say. I do promise my family that I won't use this as a "tell-all," but when you inspire and teach me something, you're sure to be a part of my stories.

I've always wanted to write and publish. During my college years, I hoped to be the next Barbara Walters. Sorry, Dad, but I didn't understand the whole "liberal" vs "conservative" thing back then like I do today. I just thought she was a great storyteller. I wanted to meet all those great people and make a difference, but I quickly realized after a disastrous interview with an an agressive and intimidating lawyer that maybe I wasn't tough enough to be the next Barbara. And, today, I wouldn't want that kind of job for anything. But, now you know that this isn't my first foray into the world of journalism or storytelling. Please join me in my musings and essays and I'll try to keep you informed.